Sex Ed Book Club #5: Mating in Captivity - Esther Perel
Maybe you know the feeling when you slowly are losing the spark in your long-term relationship...
Because the same things that make a relationship feel safe, stable, and loving (closeness, routine, knowing each other inside out) are often the very things that quietly suffocate desire. We build the beautiful, secure home together. And then we wonder why the spark we used to have has dimmed.
Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel is the book on this. The one that's been sitting on every sex coach's shelf for nearly two decades, and for good reason. Drawing on more than twenty years as a couples therapist, Perel explores the tension between love and desire, why intimacy doesn't automatically equal eroticism, and what it actually takes to keep passion alive in a long-term relationship without blowing it up.
She also says some things that might make you squirm a little. About distance. About mystery. About how "knowing everything" about your partner isn't always the sexiest move. About how desire needs space, and space is the one thing modern relationships are not great at making room for. Squirm in a good way, though. The kind that opens something up.
This evening, we're getting into it together!
What this is:
A women-only, no-pressure online book club where we chat about the most important themes of the book, what surprised us, what cracked something open, and how it lands in real life. Read the whole thing? Amazing. Read half? Welcome. Didn't read it at all but the topic intrigues you? Also welcome. This is not homework. This is a conversation.
A little note on the book itself: this one reads beautifully on paper or as an audiobook (Esther's voice is perfect for it). It's structured around case studies, so even reading a chapter or two will give you plenty to bring to the conversation. And I'll be bringing my paper copy because I'm a chronic highlighter and I love a marked-up book!
What we'll explore together:
The paradox of desire in long-term relationships and why "good intimacy" doesn't always equal good sex.
The role of distance, mystery, and otherness in keeping desire alive.
How modern ideals about love (equality, transparency, constant togetherness) can quietly kill eroticism.
Parenthood, domesticity, and what happens to lust when life gets full.
What it actually looks like to bring desire back, without losing the love.
We'll move through discussion, breakout rooms in smaller groups, and plenty of space to laugh, reflect, and connect. You'll never have to share anything you don't want to. You'll leave with new insights, fresh ideas, and probably a few "oh, that's exactly what's been happening" moments!
The vibe?
Warm. Curious. Shame-free. There will be "oh god, that's my relationship" moments. There will be quiet "I never thought about it that way" realisations. There will be zero judgment, zero pressure, and a whole lot of laughter. You'll leave with a deeper understanding of your own desire, and probably wanting to text every woman you love.
Who this is for:
Women who are curious about the themes in Mating in Captivity, whether you've read every page, skimmed a chapter, or just heard about the book and want in on the conversation. All experience levels welcome. Single, partnered, married, dating, complicated, it all belongs here!
The details:
Thursday 3 December 2026 20:00 CET
90 minutes Online via Zoom (link sent after registration)
Any format of the book works for this one!
About your host:
I'm Janine, a certified integrative sex coach and sex educator. I create spaces where nothing is too much, no question is off-limits, and your wholeness is treated as the serious (and joyful) thing it is. Everything I hold is trauma-informed, confidential, and built on one belief: your body already knows. We're just going to help you listen.
Come as you are. Read the book or don't. Let's talk!